The three reasons why senior year will be the year I finally lose my virginity are:

1. all the boys in my class had growth spurts over the summer, so I no longer seem so freakishly tall

2. my older sister Hilly, who graduated last spring, made the mistake of only applying to one school, Georgetown. She didn’t get accepted and is now stuck at home for a year working at the 9West in the Greenwich Mall while she applies to other schools, and she’s so miserable and is making my parents so frantic that they barely notice what I’m doing anymore, let alone who I’m doing it with

3. Allison Liebman showed everyone in gym class how to put a condom on a banana using only her mouth, which is something I personally would never do, but if all my friends are doing stuff like that, I have got to do something more advanced than just letting Louis Barham put his hand on my boob at the Spring Formal last year. Because if I don’t hurry up and do it, I’m going to be the only virgin left in the school, and maybe the world.

The only thing standing in my way:

1. I don’t have anybody to do it with.